Sunday, August 14, 2011

Not Yo' Mamma's Sunday School #003

Well, here we are again, continuing the story of Abraham...   when we left off, we had learned that Abraham's first son (Ishmael) was born of his mistress, Hagar.

Genesis 17:1-14
13 years later, when Abraham is 99 years old, God tells him that it's time to make a deal.  "Your kids and grand-kids, etc shall be kings, and everyone will worship me, but you must cut the tips of your penises off, and cut the tips of the penises off your slaves; those who have whole penises will not benefit from this deal."  (Of course, because girls don't have penises to mutilate, we don't benefit, either)

Genesis 17:15-22
God then told Abraham that he and Sarah would have a child.  Of course, considering his decrepitude, Abraham laughed when he heard this.  God then assures him that this will happen, and that when it does, they will name this child Isaac.  God then tells him not to worry about Ishmael; he would beget 12 princes and God would make him a great nation. 

God told Abraham to expect his child about this time next year, then left Abraham to fulfill his part of their grisly bargain.  (I wonder what purpose God could possibly have in mind for all of these pieces of foreskin... will he fry them up like pigskins, or dry them out like jerky for a snack later?)

Genesis 17:23-27
So Abraham goes back home, gathers up his 13 year old son, the males born of his house, and all of his male slaves, then he chops the tips of all of their penises off, including his own.  (Ouch, hope they all got stoned or drunk first!)

Genesis 18:1-19
Later, God returns, with three of his entourage, to have a chat with Abraham.  It seems that He feels the need to tell Abraham (again) that Sarah will have a son.  It also seems that Abraham didn't tell his wife about the last conversation, because when she overhears the boys talking about this subject, she laughs to herself.  After all, she is old, infirm, and Abraham hasn't slept with her in some time.

Well, God takes offense at her laughter and says that He can do whatever He wants.  She becomes afraid and tries to deny that she laughed; they bicker back and forth about whether or not she actually laughed, then God and his homies get up and walk off.  Abraham follows like a good pet.

Genesis 18:20-33
Then God looks toward Sodom and Gomorrah, hears the depravity emanating from that direction and decided to do something about it.  Abraham figures out that God is going to destroy those cities and asks him to do what is right.  Abraham is able to haggle God down, from saving the cities if there are fifty righteous people to be found, to saving them if there are ten righteous to be found.  (How wonderfully magnanimous, considering that God was supposed to have made man in his image in the first place.  Considering how sadistic and cruel God can be, should He not expect his 'creations' to follow in His footsteps?)

So, that does it for this episode.  Next week, we learn about what happens in Sodom and Gomorrah, including child abuse, petty punishments and incest.

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