Not Yo' Mamma's Sunday School #005

The Ten Commandments.....hmmm, which should we choose from?  There are three sets after all:

There is the set in Exodus 20....

1st 20:3 Thou shalt have no other gods before me.

2nd 20:4 Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.

20:5 Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the LORD thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me;

20:6 And shewing mercy unto thousands of them that love me, and keep my commandments.

3rd 20:7 Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain; for the LORD will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain.

4th 20:8 Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy.

20:9 Six days shalt thou labour, and do all thy work:

20:10 But the seventh day is the sabbath of the LORD thy God: in it thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates:

20:11 For in six days the LORD made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that in them is, and rested the seventh day: wherefore the LORD blessed the sabbath day, and hallowed it.

5th 20:12 Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.

6th 20:13 Thou shalt not kill.

7th 20:14 Thou shalt not commit adultery.

8th 20:15 Thou shalt not steal.

9th 20:16 Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour.

10th 20:17 Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour's. Then there is the set in Exodus 34 (which is very different).... 34:1 And the LORD said unto Moses, Hew thee two tables of stone like unto the first: and I will write upon these tables the words that were in the first tables, which thou brakest.

Not Yo' Mamma's Sunday School #004

Not Yo' Mamma's Sunday School #003

Well, here we are again, continuing the story of Abraham...   when we left off, we had learned that Abraham's first son (Ishmael) was born of his mistress, Hagar.

Genesis 17:1-14

13 years later, when Abraham is 99 years old, God tells him that it's time to make a deal.  "Your kids and grand-kids, etc shall be kings, and everyone will worship me, but you must cut the tips of your penises off, and cut the tips of the penises off your slaves; those who have whole penises will not benefit from this deal."  (Of course, because girls don't have penises to mutilate, we don't benefit, either)

Genesis 17:15-22

God then told Abraham that he and Sarah would have a child.  Of course, considering his decrepitude, Abraham laughed when he heard this.  God then assures him that this will happen, and that when it does, they will name this child Isaac.  God then tells him not to worry about Ishmael; he would beget 12 princes and God would make him a great nation. 

God told Abraham to expect his child about this time next year, then left Abraham to fulfill his part of their grisly bargain.  (I wonder what purpose God could possibly have in mind for all of these pieces of foreskin... will he fry them up like pigskins, or dry them out like jerky for a snack later?)

Not Yo' Mamma's Sunday School #002

Welcome back...
When we left off last week, Abraham and Lot decided to go their separate ways.  Lot then settled on the plains outside of Sodom and

Genesis 13:14-18

Abraham settled upon the plains of Mamre (every time I see the name of that area, I'm reminded of mammary glands - silly, I know).

Genesis 14:1-16

Some time after, the local tribes began warring with one another and Lot was taken prisoner during the ruckus.  An unnamed person, who was also taken prisoner, escaped; he/she ran to Abraham to tell him what had happened.  Well, that got Abraham fired up, so he armed his 318 slaves (yes, 318) and went in pursuit.  (He probably had more slaves, but he only took those that had been born in his house; he probably didn't trust the ones he had captured) He smote his enemies, rescued his nephew, and reaped his rewards through plunder.

Genesis 15:1-8

This next chapter begins with Abraham whining about being childless, but God tells him not to worry; he'll have an heir one day.  God is very vague, though, and doesn't tell Abraham when or how this heir will come about.

Not Yo' Mamma's Sunday School #001

Welcome, boys and girls, to the first edition of the new Sunday series in which we will explore the stories of the Bible, including all the parts that they don't tell you in Sunday School.

Today, we explore the story of Abraham (Abram) and Sarah (Sarai).  It starts off slow, but gets better.  Feel free to read along in your Bible kids.  Here we go....

Genesis 11:26-28 

Terah begat Abraham (no mother was mentioned - sexist bastards), then Abraham married Sarah.

Genesis 11:30-32

Terah moved himself, his son Abraham, his grandson Lot and his childless daughter-in-law Sarah from Ur to Canaan to live with his other son Haran, who was Lot's dad.

Genesis 12:1-5

God then told Abraham to leave the country and his family to a land to be named later.  But Abraham didn't leave everything; he took with him his wife Sarah, his nephew Lot, all his stuff, and his slaves.  (Yep, slaves are okay in God's book)