Sunday, August 7, 2011

Not Yo' Mamma's Sunday School #002

Welcome back...
When we left off last week, Abraham and Lot decided to go their separate ways.  Lot then settled on the plains outside of Sodom and
Genesis 13:14-18
Abraham settled upon the plains of Mamre (every time I see the name of that area, I'm reminded of mammary glands - silly, I know).
Genesis 14:1-16
Some time after, the local tribes began warring with one another and Lot was taken prisoner during the ruckus.  An unnamed person, who was also taken prisoner, escaped; he/she ran to Abraham to tell him what had happened.  Well, that got Abraham fired up, so he armed his 318 slaves (yes, 318) and went in pursuit.  (He probably had more slaves, but he only took those that had been born in his house; he probably didn't trust the ones he had captured) He smote his enemies, rescued his nephew, and reaped his rewards through plunder.
Genesis 15:1-8
This next chapter begins with Abraham whining about being childless, but God tells him not to worry; he'll have an heir one day.  God is very vague, though, and doesn't tell Abraham when or how this heir will come about.

Genesis 15:9-12
This conversation must have made God hungry, because he ordered up a feast; God ordered a 3 yr. old heifer, a 3 yr. old "female" goat, a 3 yr. old ram, a turtledove, and a young pigeon.  Abraham filled the order, chopped up everything but the birds, and lined them all up upon the alter for God.  Buzzards began to come in for a look-see, but Abraham shooed them off, then he fell asleep.  (The story doesn't say what ultimately happened to the feast, but I think that the buzzards came back while Abraham slept and gorged themselves).
Genesis 16:1-16
Now, Sarah in her late seventies, was still childless, so she decided to take matters into her own hands.  She offered her female slave, Hagar, to Abraham, insisting that he take this other woman as his wife and get her pregnant.  So, now he had two wives; he slept with Hagar and impregnated her. 

It seems that Hagar was a little cocky about her ability to give Abraham a child and began to give Sarah dirty looks.  This pissed Sarah off, so she complained to her husband; he told Sarah that Hagar was still her slave and to take care of the matter herself.  So, Sarah beat the pregnant serving wench, who then ran off to a fountain in the wilderness. 

Hagar was met by an angel, there at the fountain, who told her to go back home and to submit herself back into the hands of her horrible mistress.  The angel also told her to name her soon-to-be child, Ishmael.  She did as she was told, and when Abraham was 86 his first son was born.

I'm going to stop it there; I know I didn't get to the penis-snipping, but we will start there next week.

So what have we learned about these folks so far?  Well, I've learned that Abraham is perfectly okay with lying to save his own skin (see last weeks installment), that they were all slave owners, that they feel its okay to beat their slaves, and that Abraham was a polygamist.  This man happens to be the foundation upon which the three major religions are founded (Judaism, Christianity and Islam).  So far, he's certainly not been the best role model.

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