Sunday, July 31, 2011

Not Yo' Mamma's Sunday School #001

Welcome, boys and girls, to the first edition of the new Sunday series in which we will explore the stories of the Bible, including all the parts that they don't tell you in Sunday School.

Today, we explore the story of Abraham (Abram) and Sarah (Sarai).  It starts off slow, but gets better.  Feel free to read along in your Bible kids.  Here we go....
Genesis 11:26-28 
Terah begat Abraham (no mother was mentioned - sexist bastards), then Abraham married Sarah.
Genesis 11:30-32
Terah moved himself, his son Abraham, his grandson Lot and his childless daughter-in-law Sarah from Ur to Canaan to live with his other son Haran, who was Lot's dad.
Genesis 12:1-5
God then told Abraham to leave the country and his family to a land to be named later.  But Abraham didn't leave everything; he took with him his wife Sarah, his nephew Lot, all his stuff, and his slaves.  (Yep, slaves are okay in God's book)

Genesis 12:7-9
During his travels, Abraham stopped at the plain of Moreh, and at a mountain east of Bethel, and built an altar to God in both places (just in case God gets hungry later?)
Genesis 12:10-13
As Abraham continued to travel south, he encountered famine. He decided that Egypt was the place to be, so he headed there, but as they got close to Egypt he pondered a possible problem.  Apparently, Egyptians were known to kill men in order to take their pretty wives, so he told Sarah (who was pretty) to lie and say that she was Abraham's sister, so that if the Egyptians wanted her, he wouldn't be killed.  (Oh, yeah, the commandments weren't invented yet, so lying was okay, right? -- selfish prick)
Genesis 12:14-16
Well, Abraham was correct; the Egyptians thought Sarah was pretty, so they took her to the Pharoh's pad.  Pharoh was very nice (he didn't rape her) and was so enamored with Sarah that he showered both Abraham and Sarah with gifts, only Sarah go the short end of the stick.  Abraham received gifts of sheep, oxen, asses and slaves, while Sarah only got asses and camels (which they took on false pretenses, btw -- little liars).
Genesis 12:17-20
Well, all of these shenanigans pissed God off!  But, instead of punishing Abraham and Sarah for their lying, He let loose plagues upon the Pharoh (how is that fair?).  Pharoh says to Abraham, "Wtf dude? Why didn't you tell me she was your wife?  Get your crap and your wench, get the hell out!" 
Genesis 13:1-4
So, Abraham, Sarah and Lot leave; they go back to the mountain east of Bethel, where Abraham had built the big stone dinner plate to God.  Abraham then prayed to God, but nothing happened. (Guess God was busy elsewhere)
Genesis 13:5-13
Now, Abraham was rich in silver, gold and cattle and Lot had his own wealth of flocks, herds and tents.  They were so rich that their respective herdsmen were bickering over grazing rights.  So, Abraham says to Lot, "one of us can take the land on the left, the other will get the land on the right. You chose."  (how very magnanimous of him).  So, Lot chose the land to the east (the plains of Jordon) and they went their separate ways.  Abraham stayed in Canaan; Lot lived in  the cities of the plain and pitched his tent toward Sodom.  (Those wicked, wicked Sodomites -- but that's a story for another day)

Okay, kids, we're going to stop the story here and pick it up next week when we learn about polygamy and where the tradition of chopping off the tip of your penis originated.  Until then, I hope you enjoyed this first installment of "Not Yo' Mamma's Sunday School".  Be good, or God will get you!  (Syke, just kidding.   hehehe)

(Liberally translated from a 1964 copy of the "Thompsons Chain Reference Bible")

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